I'm the villain, I deserve to be dead.

Sin is something that is constantly apart of my thought process. Thinking about my past sins, thinking about the current sins, sins I am about to commit, sins I committed yesterday. I feeling that as a Christ Follower that sometimes if tend to forget the real weight of my sin until The Lord lets me feel it for just a second. I think at some point in our lives we should be able to feel the true weight of our sins. It is only through this weight that we can feel the true freedom that Christ has to offer us.

Whenever I get caught in this vicious cycle of dwelling upon my sin or what a great debtor I am, there are a few songs that I turn to that I can either relate to or that can take my mind back to the place of dwelling on what a great savior that Christ is. One song I always love to listen to is "Revenge" By Jon Foreman. In this song, my interpretation is that it is a look into the journey of one who experiences the dead weight of sin. It is lines like, "I'm the villain, I deserve to be dead" and "I'm the failure, I'm everyone's fool" that I can say, "That is me!" Give it a listen, it is worth your time. Another song that seems to call to me is the old hymn Rock of Ages. Lyrics like "Nothing in my hand I bring, simply to the cross I cling" and "Wash me Savior or I die!" are lines that almost bring me to tears because of the truth that it rings.

Like I said before though, there are songs that bring me to place where I reconcile within The Lord. While it might seem typical for a Christian, Amazing Grace is one that I always go back to. Another Jon Foreman song is  "White as Snow". Foreman pretty much lifts the whole song from Psalm 51. This is a Psalm of repentance from David after he committed adultery with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband. "Create in me a clean heart, O, God" "The sacrifices of our God are a broken and contrite heart."

One other thing that helped me realize the weight of sin was a movie that I saw at a film festival a while ago at Drury University. Jess and I went to see it because she is best friends with the sister of the wife of the couple that made the film (there was probably a easier way to say that). While I don't remember what the actual plot of the film was, there is one part that has been burned into my memory. At one point in the film, the main character must sacrifice a lamb on an alter (and yes, it was a real lamb). Yes, this was a religious film if I remember correctly. The film did not shy away from the gruesome scene. The whole sacrifice was made on the alter and the camera captured every drop of blood that came from the lamb. I am not sure about Jess but I forced myself to watch. It was one of the most difficult things to see, but not for the obvious reason. Yes, I am a HUGE animal lover and have played and worked with sheep before. Lambs are precious and cute animals, so innocent and gentle, so it was painful to see this beautiful animal cut. What was difficult was the thought that crushed my mind. That was me...

My sin did that. My horrible, ugly, selfish, boastful, egotistical, prideful, lustful sin is the reason that for thousands of years animals like that lamb were bled to death. It was that sin that caused Jesus to go to the cross. But that's the thing! It didn't make Him go to the cross or cause Him to, He chose to. As heavy of a burden that my sin was, His love for such a wretch as me was heavier. When I came to this realization, I wept. I wept for the rest of the film quietly to myself. That was me, that was my hand with the blade and blood. The crying girl in the film was me.

Praise be to Christ for His undeserving love! Praise be to God for letting go of Christ for us! Praise be to Christ for accepting us as we are. Empty handed, blood stained hands, blackened hearts, and ankles weighted down by the chains of our sins. Praise be to God for redemption!

"Alas, Did my Savior bleed and did my Savior?
 Would He devote that sacred head for such a worm as I"

-Isaac Watts